One of my mentor’s Terry Real says “The real work of relationships is not occasional, or even daily: it is minute-to-minute”
When I heard him say that I had to let it sink in.
I’ve been taking this a step further and I also believe this is true of one’s relationship with self.
I can be guilty of self perpetuating negative self-talk loops that can be absolutely paralyzing – more so now that I am plunging face first into perimenopause (ladies out there transitioning through this time or have made it through, I’m tipping my hat to you).
The easiest road is to keep pretending those parts of myself do not exist and that I’m fine. Then watch those unloved parts of myself, that I also judge myself for having, come hurdling out sideways in my relationships.
See how the loop repeats itself?
What I do know is that to move beyond some part of you, you must first get to know it and ultimately befriend it. We can heal by coming to terms with ignored parts of ourselves.
It can feel hard, however, acknowledging that it is there is a surprisingly powerful thing to do. It positively validates your inner experience without having to judge it as good or bad. It brings you into relationship with it.
I use a form of a process known as Focusing or Inner Relationship Focusing (IRF) with myself and with my clients to truly begin to tend and befriend all part of ourselves.
IRF helps us cultivate presence, the inner state of being able to keep company with whatever needs our attention. You learn to be with your own sensations and feelings, rather than being caught up in feelings and acting out of them.
Practically speaking this is a very simple process that I guide clients through and once you get the knack it is something that you can learn to do in the moment on your own.
Focusing is a nervous system informed process that is helpful for problem solving, becoming clear on what you want, decision making, creativity of all varieties, developing new ideas and theories, moving past old emotional pain and accessing one’s larger potential.
In whatever kind of hamster wheel you are caught in, there is what is called ‘living forward energy’. This is present in any stuck situation.
Meaning, the very thing that is keeping you in the loop has a momentum that wants to take you into a fuller experience of your life. This can only happen when we stop pushing it down or ignoring it. We have to make contact with it.
For your inner wellbeing and peace and for those around you, I implore you to keep company with those difficult parts of yourself.
If you’d like help, guidance and support on this journey then have a peek at my Inner Relationship Reboot package. You will receive 3 – 75 minute coaching sessions using the IRF process, support in integrating the process and your discoveries, plus my calm nervous system to help keep you regulated throughout.
Be kind to those difficult parts of yourself.