How to turn this into a superpower for deeper connection with your partner.
4 minute read.
How many times have you noticed your partner checking out another hot human? What happens in those moments for the two of you?
This situation can usually go one of two ways. The most common thing to happen is that it goes unnamed. They don’t feel comfortable saying they think someone else is sexy for fear of being shamed, you being jealous or causing a fight. This then creates an awkward vibe even if temporarily, because you know they were looking at someone else and they were trying to hide it or do it on the sly.
Now the other way this could go is that you or your partner names it. Like “Wow, s/he is really attractive.” This option can create a “clean” energy between the two of you, meaning no one is hiding anything.
What about jealousy?
This is the number one reason for hiding our attraction to others from our partners. Admitting attraction for another has somehow become conflated with the notion that it means you’re going to run off and have sex with that other person. That somehow your current partner isn’t good enough and a myriad of other unhelpful emotions.
However, on the contrary it simply means that you’re both human. We are biologically wired to look for and be attracted to what we perceive as virility in humans. This does not mean we want to cheat or we are being unfaithful.
It is absolutely normal to appreciate beauty, hotness, sexiness or whatever other quality turns your head in other humans.
I also understand that our culture doesn’t exactly model how to hold this dynamic in our relationships. Our magazines, movies and social media are littered with examples of famous couples acting out jealous scenes.
To begin normalising attraction and also making it a superpower to ignite passion in your own relationship, start small. The easiest thing to do is have a playful conversation with your partner about who would be on their celebrity “allowed list”. An allowed list is any celebrity that you fancy and if you ever met them you’d be allowed to go off for some guilt-free shenanigans. Naming a celebrity is relatively safe, the chances of you ever having an encounter with them is pretty darn slim. You can even negotiate the merits of how sexy the celebrity is and make suggestions for each other.
You can keep the game up by watching something together and if there is someone on screen that you like the look of, ask your partner “Can I put them on my allowed list?” Or suggest for the other “I think you should put them on your list.” or “I’ll give them to you.”
Once you’re both more comfortable with that, you begin taking it into the real world. Maybe start by using innocuous situations, like when sitting on a train or a busy shopping centre to express when you see someone that catches your eye. Acknowledge it and move on.
Often in these situations my partner and I get really playful. We use these for real moments of connection between the two of us. More often than not, he’ll see an attractive woman. I almost always clock her before he even has a chance to say a word. I’ll then say something like “Are you going to have her?” or “I’ll let you have her.” And, if he manages to say something before I do, I’ll either agree with his choice or playfully say something that discredits his choice.
You might wonder how this builds connection for us. Firstly, we are allowing each other to be who we are, neither of us are having to deny, hide or repress any part of ourselves. Secondly, we use it for our own fantasies. For example, if we’re in a lift and we spot someone that makes our genitals ache, we’ll discuss what was so alluring about that person. Like, would I ever wear a pair of boots like that? Or how about styling your hair in that way. Etc. We allow these strangers to feed our desires and create new ones we’ve never even thought of. Most of these things we never act upon in our own relationship, but we love discussing them and imagining them together.
It’s also important to mention that we never make each other feel bad for enjoying all the eye candy around us.
However, there will be moments when I will not be in the mood (or maybe he won’t be) to hear about how hot he thinks someone else is, so I tell him. He respects my mental and emotional space and leaves it be. There’s no harm done.
We use this ability to hold attraction for other people as a genuine superpower in our relationship. It feels like a rare thing we share together based on our experiences of how other coupleships operate.
Let this very normal human quality of attraction be an invitation to deepen your relationships.