There’s this thing called orgasm deficit. I don’t even actually like talking about it. If you can’t work out by its name what it’s about, it’s basically how in sexual encounters men tend to have more orgasms than their female partners.
FIrstly, I think it is important that you know I am pro orgasm. I’d love for everyone to be having orgasms – lots of them and a variety of them, however they want to have them. And, I think talking about orgasm deficit cheapens sex and the experience of it.
I recently read an article about orgasm deficit, authored by a female. It was of course a well intentioned article. However, it did a few things that really got my knickers in a twist: it blamed men for not making a women orgasm, completely disempowered women, made sex a goal oriented only event and it ended with a ‘quick fix’ how to guide.
On the topic of blaming men; men can’t know what they don’t know. Meaning, if we (as in females) do not ask for what we need (to orgasm or otherwise) we can hardly blame them. I also agree that as a collective we need more education on how to touch ourselves and our partners. This ought to be a part of our sex education.
A healthier conversation would be why can’t or aren’t women able to tell their partners what they desire? Why do we live in a culture where women have an inability to communicate their needs? How can we create safer environments where we can all have generative conversations with our sexual partners?
It is completely disempowering to women and men to have the belief that someone else can ‘make’ you cum. You cannot make any woman cum.
It is absolutely possible to set a context that will aid her in reaching orgasm. (For more information on context read Emily Nagoski’s book Come as you are.) Each of us are in control of our own bodies. We have agency over them. We are taught the opposite from a very young age. It then ends up being one of those hard-wired beliefs. It is completely plausible to reclaim agency over our bodies.
This reclaimation starts with learning your own pleasure wiring. An empowering tool to self discovery is the Erotic Blueprints™. Using this typing system you can begin truly learning how your body works. You can gain the vocabulary to actually communicate your needs and desires and begin those generative conversations with your lovers.
Once your own understanding of your body is in place it is much easier to begin exploring what feels good with a partner.
Sex is many things to many people. It can have a wildly different definition and meaning from person to person.
The main takeways here are: no one is to blame for your sexual dissatisfaction except yourself, take personal agency over your body and learn your pathways to arousal, it cheapens sex to always make it goal oriented (needing to make someone cum) and there are no quick fixes to having an orgasm.
Orgasms are bountiful when we have the right context, understand our bodies, feel safe and don’t chase them or force them.
To begin your journey of personal pleasure agency take my Sex & Intimacy Quiz here.